Overkill….but I LOVE it!

If a little is good, a lot is better! Right?  Well, not necessarily, but in some cases…

I’ve decided that I need constant reminders that one of my goals is to lose weight.  I need the encouragement of others.  I need to be reminded daily of what other people are doing to be successful.  I need accountability somewhere each week.  So, I’ve gone and joined two weight loss challenges and one facebook workout group.

Here’s what I’m up to:

• The Evolve-SLC weight loss challenge:  This is a weight loss challenge headed up by my good friend Blake.  My two favorite work out buddies, Josh and Karen (more about them in a future post) joined me in this endeavor.  We started on September 10th (yes–one month down already) and have six weeks left to go.  There is a $1K prize for the highest percent of weight loss.  So far….I haven’t done the best, but it has kept me thoughtful about what is going on and I’m kicking things into high gear this week.
• The Logan Weight Loss Challenge: This challenge was started by my friend Jenn and her friend Krista.  Every participant chipped in $20 bucks and the person with the highest percent of weight loss after 10 weeks walks away with all the cash.  We are currently in the middle of week 3.  So far…a struggle, but I’m feeling inspired and have been so grateful for the public accountability of a weekly in-person weigh in.
• And…I’m participating with a group on a P-90X challenge on facebook.  I haven’t met any of these people in person, but have benefited from their encouragement and positivity.  Week one was very difficult for me.  Today starts week two and I’m tempted to start my workouts over as if this was week one.

My overall goal is not to “win” anything except my life and own good opinion of myself back.  Between these three groups I will have had some sort of outside accountability and encouragement for the last four months of the year.  I started September at 323 pounds.  My goal is to make it lower than 290 by the end of the year.  It is a pretty tame goal, but in light of how difficulty the addition of fibromyalgia (I’m hoping to post soon about the effects of fibro on my workouts) has made my exercise attempts I feel it is probably a more aggressive goal than it seems, but yet very doable.

So, thanks to my friends and these programs for helping me keep my goals at the forefront.  I’ll keep you posted on my progress.

Oops I Did It Again….

well….I didn’t think I would ever audition for The Biggest Loser again, but I did.  My friend, Jodi, and I went down to the open casting call in Salt Lake City a few weeks back.  It was definitely a different experience from last July.

This time, the call was held in the Maverick Center.  They were in between ice hockey games at the arena so the ice was all prepped and ready for that evening’s game and it was C.O.L.D. up in there!  BRRRRR.  My buns are still a little frost bitten.

Last time I auditioned I was the fortunate recipient of a VIP pass–that I never had to use because there wasn’t even a line.  This time, no VIP pass and the numbers we were assigned when we arrived were 474 and 475.  I don’t recall exactly what numbers they were calling in at the time, but we were a long ways down the list.  I wasn’t too discouraged, however, because they seemed to be moving right along and there were some nice people around to talk to.

Unfortunately about 3 hours into our wait in line, the movement on our end of the arena stopped completely and the VIPs seated in the next section started pouring in.  We sat almost two hours before people from the non-VIP section were called to be interviewed.  Oh how I wished I had the coveted VIP this go around. 🙂

The interviewer we sat with this time was cute and bubbly.  She talked to us about the importance of not taking too much time with our answers or there wouldn’t be enough time for everyone to answer, and then we were off–rapid fire questions and equally as rapid answers.  At one point the casting director asked if anyone came with a partner.  Jodi and I spoke up and she light up like a light bulb–until she found out we weren’t related and then it was back to business as usual.

Looking back on this experience I can see a lot of things that I should/could have done differently.  But….it was a fun day and it is always fun to hang with Jodi. We went in on a video camera together so we could make a home tape.  I encouraged her to see if she could talk a sibling into sending in a tape with her because I think she would have a better shot with that.

At a certain point, I was unsure about sending a video in.  I mean–that’s a lot of time and effort to put into something that won’t likely work out and that even if it did would bring a whole new host of decisions that would be difficult (can I afford to chance losing my job? can I take the scrutiny from family, friends, and the general public that will come along with such an opportunity? am I really strong enough to do this?).  But, I decided that it is best to finish what I start so I threw my whole energy into it.  Was my tape great?  Probably not. But it was me and I had a good time putting it together.

The hard thing about going through this process (which is also one of the good things about going through the process) is that it really makes me think of why I want to lose weight, how I ended up here, what I really want out of life, what I’m really capable of doing.  That kind of self-introspection often leaves me tired and feeling completely overwhelmed about the situation and trapped.

The past weeks have been a struggle with that.  Then, this week a whole boat load of the current season BL cast was at Golden Corral for a meet and greet.  I wasn’t able to go, but there has a been a “Biggest Loser” buzz in the air in Cache Valley this week.  I heard on the radio that Rulon’s gym is doing a 12-week boot camp that starts on Monday.  I called and got all of the info about it.  Unfortunately, I just can’t justify the cost.  I don’t know how I would pay for it.

But it has me thinking…..I’ve been seriously working on losing weight for the past 5 years.  I know what to do.  I have a lot of resources available that won’t cost me a lot more (if any more) than just my current (fairly inexpensive) gym membership.  I am strong and capable.  I can do this!  I can do this!!

Conflicting Emotions

I don’t even know where to start.  Today has been the best day!  Today has been the worst day!  I want to laugh and smile.  I want to cry.  I want to eat.

What I really want is to be able to express what I’m feeling in a way that really gets my point across.  I hope I can do justice to the thoughts I’m having right now.

Guess what?  I did a 5K today. Yup.  3.1 miles.  In approximately 54 minutes.  I walked the entire course.  YIPEE!!!!!  And, it wasn’t just any 5k, it was a fundraiser for a baby  whose family I know.  Baby Mason was born with a congenital heart defect called hypo-plastic left heart syndrome.  He has already had two surgeries and will need at least one more–and will likely need a heart transplant at some point.  There were a lot of people from my home town there and it was so nice to see them and get to interact with so many people I love–but so sad to think of everything this little family is going through right now.

AND my friend Kellie, who is so super supportive of anything I want to do to improve my situation, walked with me.  We have set a goal to do one 5K a month through the summer and are looking forward to seeing our improvements.  Thanks, Kellie!

So, here’s the sad part.  When we finished, I was pretty happy with myself.  I walked.  The time was only 54 minutes. But, considering that I haven’t been working out much lately, I felt pretty good about the whole darn thing.   Until I saw this …..

and my “YIPEE!” turned into  a great big “I AM GINORMOUS!”  Seriously.  All of the pride and joy I felt at this accomplishment (which for me was really an accomplishment) suddenly disappeared in the shadow of every bad thought I have about myself related to my weight.  I wanted to cry.  And hide.  Instead, I went to the Maverick to get something to eat (old habits die hard).

The saddest thing of all is what I witnessed at the Maverick.  A woman was working behind the counter.  She was talking to a nice looking, fit gentleman while she was ringing up her customers and they were having quite an intense conversation.  I came in on the middle of it, so I wasn’t quite sure of the conversation’s context.  I heard her say things like, “I just want to be in a room by myself.”  “I don’t want to have to interact with anyone.”  “I don’t want to talk to anyone or be engaged in any kind of conversation.”  “I just want to be able to do my thing and be invisible.”  I wasn’t sure what they were talking about at this point, but I was making a mental note to not make eye contact with the cashier because she didn’t want to be engaged in conversation.

Then the conversation turned and I realized that the man was telling the woman that he would help her at the gym.  He told her that if she was willing to make the effort to go to the gym, he would be there to help her–show her what to do and how to work the equipment and what not.  An older woman ahead of me in line jumped in to the conversation and told the man, “It’s a woman thing, dear.  Women don’t like to do unladylike things–like sweating–in public.”

It was a really uncomfortable conversation to witness.    And that’s when it happened.  The woman said, “No, it’s because I am 35 years old and a complete fat a$$.”  Just as she said those last two words, we made eye contact and I started to cry while shaking my head and saying “NO.  No you are not!”  (I’m crying again now as I write this.)  I stepped up to the counter and said, “I know how you feel.  I just finished a 5K and am having a hard time being proud of that achievement because it is overshadowed by how fat I am.”  She brightened up a bit and said, “How did you ever do that?”  I asked her to come to the gym with me.  I told her it really isn’t as bad as she is imaging.  That the people at my gym are really nice and super supportive. But….she just moved the line along.  Oh, how my heart broke for her and for me and for every other person out there who has ever felt the shame of being fat.

Why are we so mean to ourselves? Why do we let how we look or this one area of our lives where we struggle define us?  I think in a lot of cases, our negative feelings and low self worth are not a result/symptom of being fat, but that  having feelings of low self worth is what caused us to get fat in the first place.  Add to that the times where people have confirmed our low feelings about our weight (I’ve been mooed at by a group of college kids, had a child yell loudly, “Oh my God she is FAT,” etc.) and it is a wonder that this is the first time I’ve seen a grown woman declare in public that she is fat and doesn’t like herself.

It makes me sad, people.  It has to change.  I can’t change the woman at the store.  But I can change me.  I’m proud of what I did today and I’ll be yelling WAHOO! at the top of my lunges until I can no longer here the negative thoughts.

WAHOO! WAHOO! WAHOO!  WAHOO! WAHOO! WAHOO! . . . . .

D is for Decide

Yes.  I wrote a post about being consistent and then went totally off the map.  Not very consistent.   Not what I wanted this series of posts to be like.  But hey, life happens and I’ve been dealing with a lot lately.  Which brings me to our friend “D” is for Decision.

I’ve been mulling this over for a few days while I’ve also been mulling over some decisions that I need to make.  In doing so I came across three quote that speak well to my thoughts on why making an actual decision is important.  They are:

Indecision is the thief of opportunity–Jim Rohn

Indecision is often worse than wrong action.–Henry Ford

The indispensable first step to getting everything you want out of life is this:  decide what you want.–Ben Stein

I’m a dreamer.  I think about what I want all the time.  I picture different scenarios in my mind and think about different options.  I even play out various outcomes in my mind–complete with interactions and dialogues.  Don’t get me wrong, dreaming is important.  Dreaming helps us figure out what it is we want.  I get stuck, however, in the place between the dream and the reality far too often.

Decision is the catalyst that moves us to action.  I can want to be fit and healthy until the cows come home (I think they are close–I smelled them last night–or perhaps that was just the dairy down the street) but until I make an actual decision about how I’m going to act, what I’m going to do, what my attitude will be–nothing will ever change.

I have decided that even though I’m not feeling well right now (doctors, tests, and long stories here that I’ve decided I just don’t want to get into here) there are things I can do to make my situation better.  I have decided to:

• get up every morning, put a smile on my face, and have a FANTASTIC day
• exercise regularly (I even got up at 6 a.m. this morning to exercise and I feel GREAT)
• eat healthy things, not too much of them, and LEAVE THE CRAP ALONE (nuff said)
• be honest with myself and give myself a break when it is really warranted, but stop giving myself an easy ride down the path of least resistence
• put my health first

So far (and I realize it’s been a mere 14 hours since this decision was made) I feel like a new person.  Making those few decisions listed above has freed me from the bad space I’ve been in lately.  Do I still feel like I was run over by a truck?  Yes.  But somehow, it doesn’t seem so bad today.  Am I hungry and wanting to reach out to food for comfort? Yes, but I have a bag load of good nutritious things to eat in the fridge and I’m sticking with that plan.

I’m no longer willing to let my inaction, my lack of commitment, and my presumed inability to decide what is best for me rob me of the person I am supposed to be.

 

A is for Anxiety

Did anyone guess that A would be for Anxiety?  Hmmm…   It was in a pretty stiff competition with Accountability and Attitude, but for some reason I felt that Anxiety is what I need to talk about tonight.

Hi.  I’m Teresa and I’m a Nervous Nellie.  Yes, sometimes I feel like I need a support group for this particular neurosis.  I’m not anxious all the time.  However, it frequently sneaks up on me when I’m not paying attention and before I know it everything I do is overshadowed by that nail-biting nincompoop.

You may be wondering how anxiety fits into the ABC’s of my health and fitness.  Well, let me tell you. When I’m anxious I eat.  Even when I’m not hungry.  Even if I just ate two minutes ago.  And….the less healthy, the better it seems to sooth my nerves.  Why is that?

One of the difficult things about treating my anxiety with food is that I’m almost oblivious to the fact that I’m doing it.  I have to be very deliberate about the food I have available or I just go nuts.

I know that I could find much better ways to cope with anxiety.  Meditation.  Exercise.  Talking to someone about what is causing me worry.  The goal for the next few weeks is to recognize when I’m being driven to food by nerves and identify an alternative way to deal with the anxiety–preferably one that will further my health and fitness goals rather than detract from it.

Do any of you deal with anxiety?

What are your coping methods?

Checking In

I have a bazillion things running around in my mind that I want to post about, but I can’t seem to collect any of them into a coherent enough thought to post it.  So, I’m just stopping by to say hi, let you know I’m still here, and tell you that I’ll be posting something soon.  Some of the things on my mind:

* How the new year goals are going and what has been changed

*My new work-out/eating plan, my new e-training program & support

*My epiphany about prioritizing and what I need to change

* Settling

* Health (the good, the bad, and the plan)

* Bountiful Baskets and my deep and undying love for them.

* My favorite work out gadgets

And it goes on and on and on (now I’m singing a song in my head).

Sorry for all this randomness.  🙂

New Year, New ME!

Resolutions.  Do any of you do New Years Resolutions?  I have always been one to daydream and plan during this time of the year. I always have such great ideas and I know I’m going to do such a great job.  However, most years, like this one, I pull out the book where I write down my goals and desires (because–we’ve all been told a million times, if you don’t write it down its just a wish and not a concrete goal) and find the same things written on the pages that I’m still struggling with.

I kid you not.  The very same things.  I fleshed out some goals while I was on lunch one day.  When I got home, I pulled out my little notebook, excited to write my new plan only to find out that it wasn’t new.  Same plan as last year, almost word for word.

So, instead, I evaluated.  What had I done during the course of the past year to accomplish my goals?  Had I acted on my intentions?  Did I have a plan for execution or just a wish without a vehicle to accomplish the outcome?  Did I revisit my goals often to monitor my progress?  Was I realistic?  Hmmm……..   Very interesting.

I dream.  I even outlined what I “should” do to accomplish my goal in detail–but I didn’t follow up.  I didn’t keep those goals in the forefront of my mind.  I didn’t put the plan into action.  I didn’t live my life as if those dreams would become a reality.

What a revelation.  I know what to do now.  Next year when I get my book out–I won’t be surprised by what I wrote down today.  I will be familiar with it because I will have lived the past year incorporating new habits into my every day life in order to accomplish it.

My goals for the new year are still in draft form.  I’m toying with the theme of “health” for all categories that I want to work on.

Although I don’t plan to share all of my goals in detail here,  I do plan to share one category.  Here’s what I’ll be building on:

And…..I have some exciting things planned that I know will find me at the end of the year crying tears of happiness because I’ve accomplished what I set out to do.  I’ll share those with you soon!

Another thing that I’m realizing is how each of the categories I’m working on overlap each other.  For instance, I want to save money and eat better/lose weight.  If I do a good job of eating simply and healthfully and I leave the drive-thru alone, I can accomplish both goals.  I’m trying to make sure I have at least one overlap from each group with another as I think it will make the accomplishment of either singular goal easier.

So, now I want to know…..are you setting goals for the new year?  What are they?  How do you plan to accomplish them.

2011 is going to be AMAZING!

Teresa's Goals Revisited

We’ve been at this blog a little more than three months.  I thought this would be a good time to pull out my initial goals and see where I am.  Am I any closer to achieving them?  Are they realistic?  Do I still want to do them?  Does anything need to be tweaked?

Here are my goals from September 2010:

• Run a 5K by the end of 2010 —Well, I don’t think I’ll be running in an “official” race anywhere, but I will complete (run/walk) a 5K in under 50 minutes no later than December 31.  As much as I would like to do this outside, I think it will be easier to measure and time on a treadmill so I plan to do this at the gym.  In order to reach this goal, I will run/walk 6 days per week for at least a distance of 5K Dec 13 until task is completed.
• Pass the qualifying workout for the “Blood and Guts” class at the gym (still need to find out what the requirements are so I can set a date). I have looked at the qualifications for this and I think I will set a March 31st deadline.
• Compete in the Greatest Loser Challenge at the gym (10-2-10 through 1-15-11) SIGNED UP!  If I had to summarize this today, it would be an F+.  However, due to unplanned medical issues, I’m giving myself a break.  I’m digging in right now and I’m hopeful that I can loose an additional 15-20 pounds by the January 15th finale.
• Completing the Top of Utah Marathon, September 2011.  I’m not really sure this is a realistic goal.  What do you think?  I’m leaning towards completing a 1/2 marathon this year and working towards TOU for 2012.
• Completing a sprint triathlon with my niece, Amanda, sometime in 2011. DEFINITELY going to do this.  I’m tempted to sign up again for the Women of Steele triathlon that is the third weekend of May.  I will decide by Monday noon as that is when registration opens and it usually sells out really quick. Amanda is not old enough for this one, so will will find another–I guess that means that perhaps I will get to do 2 this year.
• Participating in an organized team sport again.  I still think this is fun and doable.  Anyone doing city softball or volleyball in Cache Valley?
• Become a morning person (this may be the hardest of all).  To be honest, a week ago that I was ready to ditch this goal.  I didn’t think there would be any way that I could do this.  I’m hopeful I’ll still get there.  I think it is important for me to do my regularly scheduled exercise in the mornings because too many things come up in the evenings to be as consistent as I need to be–at least until I get the weight off and get into maintenance mode.

My newest goal–exercise daily, and when possible 2x daily, for the next three months.

Thanksgiving Goals Accountability–Day 1

Well.  If I have one word for today it would be FAIL!  If I’m allowed a second word, it would be REGROUP.

I didn’t make it to work out.  I slept right through three alarms.  Its been happening a lot lately–even with a lot of sleep.  I’m headed to the Dr. tomorrow to make sure there isn’t anything medically wrong.  As soon as I’m done with her I’m off to buy a louder alarm clock.

Day one fail does not mean the goals have failed.  So– same goals tomorrow.

I will make it to 5:30 a.m. workout.

I will watch what I eat (well, I have to fast for the dr appt. and it isn’t until 3:30, so I will watch myself not eating).

I have church responsibilities in the evening, so no workout tomorrow night, but I will prep my Friday food and pack my gym bag so I can get ready for Friday morning.

I’ve been down, but I’m not out!

AND….

I just want to say thanks to you all.  Thanks for checking in with me.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  Even if you haven’t commented, I’ve talked to some of you and I know that you are there, lurking in the on-line shadows, cheering for me.  It helps.  And it means more than I can express.  THANKS!

Hair Cuts and Weight Loss–They Are More Alike Than You May Think

I have been trying to grow my hair out.  I don’t necessarily want it to be really long.  I just want it to be long enough that I can consider some other styles.  I have had shortish hair, with the few odd exceptions where it got to shoulder length, since the 5^th grade.  It’s time for a change!

I have very fine hair but there is a lot of it.  The last time I went in we trimmed everything and then cut/stacked the back and took a lot of the bulk out of it, leaving the bangs longer than they have been in a really long time.  About 30,000 times a day (ok, that might be a slight exaggeration) I am reminded of the fact that I’m growing my hair out when I have to push my bangs out of my eyes.  They are close to being at a point where I can tuck at least most of them behind an ear.   But, it’s uncomfortable.  It’s unpleasant.  It’s not very attractive.  And, quite frankly, it is a pain.  I don’t like it.  But I keep pushing my bangs out of my face and avoiding mirrors because I have faith that the end result will be worth it.

Losing weight is similar.  I’ve hit a roadblock of sorts the past few weeks.  It started with getting sick and missing one work out (then another, and another, etc.).  It’s been 2.5 weeks since I’ve made it to a work out in the morning and although I’ve made it to a few evening classes to make up for it, I’ve not been at all consistent.  Getting out of bed in the mornings is hard.  I have been sleeping a lot more than I usually do and I just can’t seem to get moving.  I’m tired.  It’s a pain.  At this point, the hardest thing is going back and facing everyone.  Somehow I feel a bit of shame about it and just want to stick my head in the sand and wait for it to be over.  However, like with my hair, I know that if I keep going the end result will be worth it.

So, here is my resolve for the next week.  I will:

• Go to my morning work outs
• Go to the evening work out whenever my schedule allows (which should be every day except Thursday—unless my 5:30 appointment tomorrow night runs long)
• Reach my target calorie burn of 3300—every day—this will take some doing.
• Just worry about one day at a time, one work out at a time, etc.
• Report back here—daily (even if it’s just in the comments)

The other thing I am working on is a plan for exercise and eating right over the Thanksgiving holiday.  I’m planning to walk every day.  I’m taking my resistance bands and a couple of DVD’s home to use.  I’m hoping the Zumba DVD’s I ordered will be here in time to take them too.  I’ve already called my mom and asked her if I could assign myself to bring some healthier food choices.  I found a recipe for a yummy sounding butternut squash and apple dish with cumin and maple syrup in it that is only 105 calories per serving and I’m planning to make a ginormous green salad with lots of vegetables.  I’m going to allow myself ONE piece of Cordell’s famous pumpkin pie (it is to die for).  I’m also allowing myself one tablespoon of stuffing and a taste of mashed potatoes and gravy (but just enough to taste and know it was Thanksgiving).  I’m also taking home my blender and ingredients for one green smoothie per day.  That will keep me away from pancakes and the like for breakfast.  I’m also hoping to use some of my time at my parents to catch up on my sleep and get myself more fully rested.