I’m discouraged today friends. I don’t want to be whiney or prattle on with all the reasons (which just sound like excuses to me) for my current state of discouragement, but I’m going to.
I felt really good yesterday. I pushed myself to do more with my exercise. It wasn’t easy in the moment. I was very aware of my size and my limitations. I’m not usually one who shy’s away from working out in a group because I’m not Barbie-doll skinny or not able to keep up with the choreography. I just do the best I can and anyone who doesn’t like it can look elsewhere or leave. They don’t get to choose whether or not I participate.
Last night was different. Last night it felt like I was the star in the Fat Girl Follies. So in addition to not being able to keep up and being very aware of how much ground I’ve lost in my abilities over the past three years, I’m fighting the added mental fatigue that goes along with feeling like a walking joke—like I don’t and I can’t . . . everything.
To top it off, I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a train and knowing that this kind of soreness is not the kind of soreness that I used to have after a workout—my body has changed. Whether age or fibromyalgia or a combination of both, my body responds differently now than it ever has before to everything physical I do, and it makes me so sad.
What I now need to do is realize what my limits are and live right at that precipice until it changes (and it will—I have hope that it will). I need to be consistent in doing just as much exercise as I am able—every day—but not going over that limit so that I am able to do it again the next day. If I do that, the fatigue I feel won’t be more than I can handle and it is more important that I have shorter, maybe less intense, CONSISTENT exercise than that I overdo it and am only able to exercise every 10 days because I feel so sick in the interim.
As much as I may want to or feel like there is no other choice than to sit in the corner and cry while eating an entire jar of peanut butter and watching reruns of The Biggest Loser, I need to pick myself up and realize that while things are not what they used to be, they are what they are, and I have the power to be my best self within these parameters. Perhaps if I do that, the parameters will adjust and eventually the Teresa I see in my mind will actually be the Teresa of reality. Today, reality bites!