My thoughts today have been lingering on perspective. Is the way I see myself how I really am? I live alone. I have a lot of friends who love me and an amazing family. I spend time with them frequently, but I do spend a good deal of time alone. And even when I’m not alone, I’m talking to myself in my head as if I were (we all do it–I’m just bravely admitting it for all to read) ;).
I spend a lot (not all, but a lot) of that time making a running list of what I don’t like–how I don’t feel well, comparing my weaknesses to other people’s strength, sometimes feeling sorry for myself, how I can improve, how I can learn from my failures (keeping the focus mainly on the failure).
Every summer, my nieces spend a long weekend with me. We watch chick flicks and make cookies and sometimes go to a play. We bring all of my mattresses into the living room and have a giant slumber party. It is SO MUCH FUN! I love spending time with those girls. I hate to see the weekend end. I hate to take them home. I believe part of the reason I love it so much is that I can totally feel their unconditional love and acceptance of me. By the end of our time together I’m giving very little thought to my weight or how I compare to Jane Doe down the street. Their love for me and how they perceive me is reflected back at me so strongly that I become, even for a just a few days, that reflection.
This past week I spent a full day with my youngest brother and his family and then the next day my other three brothers came to help me with a project at my house (totally have before and after pictures to share in a later post–AWESOME). My brother that lives near by brought his sons and his wife popped in from time to time. I so enjoyed sharing some time with them. As the weekend progressed and I interacted with them, I had the same feeling that I do when I spend time with the girls. These people see me in such a better light than I see myself. I believe that they rarely look at me and see a fat person. They see their sister–a spunky, silly, smart, likeable person who wins at the gross out game, has a good sense of humor, is politically savvy, etc.–and it changes, if only for a little while, my own perception of myself.
And so what is my point? I’m not really sure how to express it. I’m just feeling like I want to feel like that all of the time–not just when I spend a concentrated period of time with those who know me well. And that will mean working on that inner dialog that I have with myself every single second of every day.
So many of my supposed flaws are simply a flaw in my perspective and my perspective is something that I can change.