I’m stuck, people! I don’t know what to do about it or how to get over it or how to get past it. Stuck.
I feel like I’ve been running in mud for several months now and every once in a while I think the mud is getting more shallow or that I am getting stronger and then before I can even blink its deep again, only deeper than it has ever been before. The faster I try to move and the harder I try to plow through it, the more I feel like I’m writhing in cement and not mud. Only the harder I try to get through and the faster I try to go I’m just helping stir up the evil compound and the thicker it gets the hard it is to move.
When I’ve been faced with these situations in the past, I’ve always been able to take a step back and come up with a plan that innevitably gets me through to the other side–where I can walk on dry ground and feel like I’m making some progress.
If I’m completely honest, I’ve been slogging through this same mud hole for two years now. Two years ago this weekend I had accomplished a lot. I had lost 88 pounds. I was happy with my success and felt like nothing could stop me. Then, suddenly, it was like my body turned against me. I don’t have a medical diagnosis, and somedays I can’t even tell you what I feel–other than I just don’t feel well. I’m tired. Exhausted. Everything hurts. I weighed in today 73 pounds heavier than I was two years ago. I’m frustrated.
Prior to these two years, when I started an exercise or training program, it was always hard, but after a few weeks I would see a marked improvement in what I was able to do and how far I was able to push myself. Lately though, it seems like rather than making improvements and strides in the right direction my efforts break me down and make me worse off than when I started.
I’m sorry for the whiney tone of this post. I know I’m the one who has been preaching all positivity and sunshine. I’m just not feeling very sunny today. I can’t promise tomorrow will be any better. But I can promise I won’t give up–even though I’m less and less sure of what I need to do to improve my situation.
Wow–that was a fun read, wasn’t it? 🙂 Tomorrow’s another day. Viva la second (and third and fourth and one hundredth) chances.