Weekend

I just have to post something so that the last one can move away from the first thing I see when I turn my computer on.  It’s going to be a wicked busy weekend:

Saturday

• There is a seminar at the gym for the competition I have all but dropped out of.  I may go.  I would still like to go to the final weigh in and see how I have done and maybe it will help inspire me to finish.
• I’m picking up a Bountiful Basket–has anyone ever done those?  I like them.
• I get to take some pictures of one of my favorite families (Yes Rindy–looking forward to spending some time with you and your cuties).
• I get my hair cut and colored.  I’ve been trying to grow it out and I’m at one of those yucky points where I just want to chop it all off.  I think I’ll try to keep the length, but I’ve got to do something with the front–maybe some bangs because this stuff is driving me nuts!
• My good friend June Marie is having a book signing at The Booktable tomorrow afternoon–and I need to go get my autographed copy of “Into the Second Springtime.” (I think that’s the title).
• Then I’m going to figure out what to do with the bounty in the basket mentioned earlier and do some cooking and food prep for the week.  I ordered some blackberries and I’m looking forward to using them in some smoothies.  YUM!
• I have to get my monthly reports ready for church on Sunday.

In addition, I’m selling my house so I have to make sure I leave the place very tidy every time I go away–just in case someone wants to stop by and see it.  I hope they want to stop by and see it!

All in all, a busy but very happy weekend ahead.

What are you all up to?

Cliff Notes

It’s the quick and dirty version of my weigh in this week.  I have a picture that will have to be added later as it is late, I  have to get up early, and I’m not in a particularly good mood.

Official weight:  320.8

Just for kicks:  I know know that my camera and the current lens weigh 1.8 pounds.  Without them I was 319, so no movement for 2 weeks.

I’ve been sick.  I’ve missed a lot of work outs.  I’m sad about it for my team, but at some point you just have to choose the thing that is going to make you less sick–which happens to be sleep.  I’m hopeful that I can wake up in 5 hours and get my fanny to the gym.  It helps that we will be swimming.  I love swimming!

Along with being sick, I’ve been dealing with the dreaded demons that come up for me every time I try to change my life for the better.  I’m determined to confront them, take all of the wind out of their sails, and burry them in the depths of my emotional ocean once and for all.  I’m still debating whether or not to share them here.  Sometimes you just don’t want the people you love most, let alone perfect strangers, to know so much about the muddled things that go on in your mind.  I’ll have to weigh the therapeutic benefits.  In the mean time–don’t imagine them to be worse than they are.  They are just run of the mill things, but still things that seem to be stumbling blocks for moving on.  I want them gone!

And now–let’s all have a good day tomorrow.  🙂

Thoughts

I’m so sorry for not having posted my weigh in last week.  I still haven’t purchased a scale (I know—shame, shame!).  It is on the schedule for this evening, so hopefully I will have a picture for tomorrow morning—albeit a day late.  My weigh in at the gym last week went well.  The previous week I had gained a pound bringing me to a total loss at the end of week two of 7 pounds (331.8 to 324.8).  Last Friday I had a good weigh in with a 5.8 pound loss (324.8 to 319).   WAHOO!  It seems from my experience with trying to lose weight in the past that I frequently will have a really good week, followed by a not so good week, etc.  This doesn’t bother me too much because when you look at a month as a whole, it is right where I expect it to be.  I’m hopeful that this Friday’s weigh in will be another good one, so (fingers crossed) maybe I will break out of my normal pattern.

In our workout on Monday, we were working our abs hard (and I mean hard, because I can still feel the soreness and it is Wednesday) while sitting in a circle and passing a big ball around (Russian twist style).  While we were in possession of the ball we had to say one success for the week.  I have to admit, it is so much easier for me to come up with failures than successes.  In that moment I could have thought of about 17 things I could flog myself with but had a hard time thinking of one success.  I finally settled on the fact that I did have most of my meals for the week prepped—which is a huge thing for me.  Part of the reason why I’ve fallen into relying on fast food so much is because it is convenient.  I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to overschedule every part of my day.  I can look back in my life and see the points at which my habits with regard to food have morphed from something good and healthy into the not so healthy.  I’ll expound on this in a future post.  It has been eye opening to timeline this against some of the other things in my life and see how they all worked together to bring me to where I am now.

But for today’s post, I want to focus on some of my other successes, now that I’ve had a few days to push the negative thoughts to the back.

• Meal prep—has been better and I’m hopeful that next week will be closer to spot-on.
• I’m starting to see some subtle changes in my physical appearance—probably things that no one else would notice yet, but I do:

o   My face looks thinner—less puffy around the eyes and bridge of my nose

o   My pants are starting to hang a bit differently—not a huge change, but enough to be exciting.

• I’m feeling stronger (flexes my muscles)
• My cravings have changed.  And I mean completely changed.  There was a reason for the weight gain in week 2—Snickers Bars.  I was a mad woman for sweets and all things junk-a-licious that week.  Never before have I let myself succumb to eating Twinkies and Susie-Q’s during a weight loss competition before.  For some reason the cravings were off the hook that week.   But things have evened out.  This week I find myself craving pomegranate, pears, baked yams, and spaghetti squash.  Such a welcome surprise.
• Although I’m still struggling with getting enough sleep, I am doing better, and that is success!
• Overall, I feel happier

So, there you have it.  Maybe not 17 things to brag about, but a few.  Overall, I think things are going swimmingly!

Cheers!

The "Real" Teresa

Do you ever feel like someone else is living your life and you are just a bystander watching in horror at the train wreck this other person is making of your life?  I do.  I hope I’m not alone (actually I do hope I’m alone, because that would mean you all aren’t dealing with the same demons I am–and that would make me happy).

I mentioned in my post yesterday that when I was playing basketball on Monday I heard a faint whisper of the woman I used to be.  I did.  I really did.  At some point during that game I remembered.  I remembered me.  The “real” me.  Honestly, it was exhilarating to know she is still there, somewhere, waiting to be coaxed out.

I realize that I am the one who stuffed her way down deep inside this fat body–hiding her from the world and anyone who might hurt her.  Me.  I am the one responsible.  I overate.  I didn’t move enough.  Not surprisingly though, hiding from hurt in that way has hurt me on a level that I believe is much worse than what I feared.  (Apparently this post has a mind of its own because I’m definitely veering off in a direction I hadn’t planned–but I’m gonna go with it.)

I let circumstances in my life convince me that I wasn’t worth the effort.  That it wouldn’t matter what I did, it would never be enough. I would never be enough.  I let fear take the reigns and fear ran me off in a ditch.

One of the hardest things for me about being this large is how physically difficult things are.  I remember after I initially started gaining weight I got really depressed.  I didn’t think I was depressed about being fat, but after talking with a trusted friend I realized that my depression stemmed from a disconnect from the “real” me.  My whole life I had defined myself as a jock, and athlete, an active person, someone who is competitive, someone who excels at sports.  These things added to my happiness.   On some level I didn’t even recognize I was mourning that part of myself.  That realization helped me through the depression and has provided me with some tools to deal with it when it does creep back in.  I’m grateful for that.  And feeling that faint connection with that part of myself has provided me with a lot of motivation.

I hear people say all the time–what motivates you?  I remembered one of my biggest motivators on Monday.  I am motivated to move more, lose weight, and improve my fitness because I need her–the part of me who is happiest running, and jumping, and playing.  She is unapologetic and doesn’t feel the need to play down being good at something for fear it will make someone else feel bad.  Even though she was not a world-class athlete, or even the best player on her city league softball team, she always felt she was enough.  She mattered.

Physical activity is painful now, but I don’t mind it a bit.  For instance, this morning we split up in teams in my workout class and ran through a timed obstacle course.  It looked simple enough.  Weave around some chairs, army crawl (or do the dreaded burpee) under some benches, jump over other benches, retrieve and replace tennis balls, drag a giant rope (really–I think they used this rope to tie Paul Bunyan up–it was HUGE), jump over two giant tractor tires, do some fancy footwork through a ladder, drag the rope back, and then run to the finish line.  It was not easy.  I wanted desperately to army crawl, but was too large to fit under the bench (yes, the dreaded burpee came into play).

I was not fast.  It was hard.  But I would do it again (and again and again) because when I do those active things, I feel more like myself.  And I like me.  The Real Me.

 

I like to play!

Yesterday morning for our group workout we got to play!  This was a reward for completely killing our weight loss goal for last week as a team.  We were given the choice of Ultimate Frisbee, Basketball, or Soccer.  We picked Basketball and threw a little WallyBall in for good measure.  All in all, the hour netted a 600 calorie burn.  YAY!

Even better than the calorie burn, I was reminded that I like playing sports.  It was as if, just for a moment, I remembered the old me—the me who is good at sports, and likes running and jumping, and hitting.  I’m sure I still looked like a fat lady running (well, walking fast) down the court and I probably didn’t look like I was enjoying myself, but it was there.  I heard the faint whisper of who I really am as I was running down that court.  She’s still in there.  I hope that she will soon be SHOUTING!

In fact, I was so excited that I decided to go back in the evening for Zumba.  Totally loved it.  Totally can’t move like a dancer.  Had fun anyway.  Burned another 600 calories!  WOOT!  Unfortunate side effect:  every muscle in my body was so tired that I slept right through my alarm and missed class this morning.  Never fear!  I will go tonight instead.

On a weigh in note:  UGH!  I haven’t bought a new scale yet.  So, for this week I’m going to go with the results from the gym.  I initially weighed in on October 2 on the gym scale at 331.8.  One week later, I weighed in at 323.8 for a loss of 8 pounds.  I’m sorry I don’t have a picture of the scale, but I’m not taking my nice camera to the gym.  Hopefully I’ll make time to buy a new scale for home this week.

I’m learning a lot about how I deal with food–or maybe how I’ve let food deal with me.  Hopefully those thoughts will gell into a post soon.

UGH!

Weigh in this morning for the challenge was U.G.L.Y. My home scale is quite a ways off from the gym scale (and it just broke so I have to get a new one). My initial weigh in was something like 331. 😦 My measurements were large (expected but still hard to hear). I want to eat pancakes. 😦

I'm In!

So, you know how a few posts ago I mentioned that I was considering joining a weight loss challenge at my local gym?  And how I was a bit concerned about it because this isn’t my first rodeo and I’m well aware of what it will take to participate–both physically and mentally?

Well . . .  I decided to do it!  I am so EXCITED!  I’m setting all the trepidations aside and I’m just going to have as much fun as possible.  WOOT!

The good thing is that I’m anticipating that my friends Josh, Josh, Ben, Renee, Danielle, Jodi, Jen, and possibly Melissa will be participating as well.  How fun will that be????  WAY FUN!!!!  (Big frowny face here that our girl, Karen, will probably not be able to join us.  😦  It just won’t be the same without her.)

The structure will be that I’ll be assigned to the 5:30 a.m. team (yes, I’m nervous about that, but in light of my ACT AS IF statement in my post earlier this week and my goal to be a morning person, well . . .).  We will have workouts every morning with our trainer, possible competitions within our teams on every-other Wednesday with the other Wednesday being  a class like Zumba or a guest trainer, seminars and secret challenges every Saturday morning, a weekly weigh in, etc.  We will have the use of an Exerspy (like a BodyBugg) and our food logs will be monitored on a weekly basis.

All in all I will be approaching this as an opportunity to develop some new good habits, to find a pace that provides exercise and fitness in my schedule without overwhelming it (I’ve been a bit obsessed in past competitions), and a chance to push myself to do more than I think I can.

Wish me well.  I will ROCK!